Hate to know I am alive
by deathtones
Summary: Jean is back and has to deal with the consequences of the phoenix,because logan is gone


Hate to know Iam alive Summary: after x3 the film, scott and the professor are back, logan gone because of his nightmares killing jean 

**Pairing:you will see**

**Author's note: It's my first fan fic, and I never had english in school neither it is my mothertounge, so if I do something wrong tell me not shoot**

**I own nothing but my own death so don't sue me, I never read a x-men novel or comic, have a Irish Wolfhound called logan(not my idea, he's from a shelter) just saw the movies and received a crush on mister tony awards **

**Chapter one:**

„where is he" the phoenix hissed

she has raised from ashes

they all knew she would, since the rebirth of Scott and the Professor, they all where pretty aware of it.

the professor had founded out that it was her who brought them back.

After one of his recurrent dreams at night, he asked Scott to skip into his mind too, to find out what had happened and why they where back.

He had seen it clearly through the darkness of their death that surrounded him there had been red fiery lightnings excusatory pleading for forgiveness.

Jean was fighting the Dark Phoenix. She knew it was her mistake. Desperatly trying to force her strenght and power to creat again what had been distroyed. She wanted to rebuild what was lost, restore what had been the truth in her life. And they came back.

"where is he"the Phoenix now yelled since no-one seemed to react. Her patience was loosing the threat. beneath her anger her fear grew wider.

The eyes of the x-men widened as they saw the Phoenix raising in the air. they saw how her body was covered in blinding red flames. The earth underkneath their feet was shaking violently, forcing them to stumble down when the Phoenix cried out loudly.

"Jean..oh my god…Jean" Scott stutered, he couldn't be able to say anything else,first he tought his eyes try to fool him again, he had seen her to often in his dreams and never could reach her. Now she was so close, he held a hand out cautiously trying to touch her face.

"Jean..it's me…" he froze.

The Phoenix was looking directly at him, her cold and blackned eyes fixed on him.Without even blinking she had raised him in the air.

"where is he?" she asked again, her deamonic voice grew louder

"I am here.it's me"Scott said sobbing.his mind and heart was racing, _why she isn't recognising me_, he asked himself wondering if she is remembering anything at all.

"Don't fool me"the Phoenix hissed and threw him away.

"No.." Storm scramed when she saw Scott crashing in a tree and lying there unconscious.

The Phoenix frowned and sank back to the gound, but her eyes shining lime-green.she was searching the area, looking to and fro the x-men. She needed to know now, where he was and if they wont tell her, she will force them to. She was already pissed off that it had taken them so long to answer her.Her heart again racing with anger.

Jean its me, Charles she was blocking him out Jean can you hear me nothing 

"I can't get through to her" Charles said as he felt the questioning looks of the others

Anxiously, Hank and the Professor watched as the Phoenix eyes blackened and things began to float through the air. The others screamed, trying to shield their faces from the fiery sparks in fear.

"Can't you do anything?", Hank asked and his eyes even widened as he saw the Phoenix raising to the air again. Shocked he watched as a giant fire grew in front of them, burning everything in between and around to ashes. Suddently Hank felt how his mind got dizzy and his stomache willingtly trying to vomit.

"What she's doing now" Storm asked, her voice overturning for fear and it was obviousliy that she felt the upcoming power within her too.

"She 's scanning our mind, stay calm. Don't try to block her out, it's useless" Charles said forcing himself to do what he just had proposed to his x-men .He couldn't figure out what she was searching for, but felt the presence of jean standing near to the Phoenix.

_Jean talk to me, we can help you,…Jean_ he asked her mentally

Apruptly he was raised in the air, he led out a deep exhalation when he tried to gasp for air.

Hank and Bobby swallowed hard as they stumbled to their feet again trying to get in front of the Professor, shielding him to prevent another attack. Easily their were thrust aside by the Phoeinx whose eyes still retain the Professor's one.

"Where is he"she asked him. Her deamoninc voice whispereing sharply.

"Jean, please stop it … we can help you, just please stop…"his voice was cut off when his body started to shake violently, he tried to fight the upcoming blackness.

"WHERE IS HE"the Phoenix screamed, forcing the x-men to shield their ears.

"Who?" Charles tried to speak, but his words where barly heard as a whimper.

the Phoenix paused for a brief moment her black eyes mixed with a green glint.

" Wolverine"she simply said raising Charles body again

The Professor tried to bent his head forward and frowned. Had he just heard correctly? Now he was shaking for fear.She's looking for him, she will take revenge on the one who killed her first.

"He's gone" was all he could say bevore he felt unconcious.He didnt realised how he sank softly back to the ground in his wheel-chair, while Jean crashed to the ground exhausted.

"Take them to the med.lab." Hank said and made them all raise there heads in misunderstanding.

"You can't take her in a scholl full of children, Hank! She can kill them within a second" Storm said disbelieving what she just have heard from her teammate

"Well, she can still do it from here" Bobby said

"Right, and that why we take her down to the med.lab, maybe we find something to get her under controll..or make her sleep, however. We can't let her stay here." Hank said not knowing what to do next and rather not thinking about what he might has to do when she is awaking before their found a solution.

"I carry her, help Kitty with Scott"he said turning to Storm again.

"Is she still unconscious?" Scott asked Storm when he finally found the courage to speak.

"No, the Professor said she is sleeping?" Storm answered not knowing what to think about what just had happened a few hours ago.

"You should find some sleep by yourself, too" he said receiving just a weak nod

"We have a meeting with the Professor in two hours, you should rest, I stay here " he said turning towards her seeing her eyes filled with tears, then she turned around to leave.

"Jean " he said calmly as soon as the door behind Storm was closed

"Jean, I am so glad your back, when can manage it..i mean ..everything..just hold on ..don't go again.." he whispered, sobbing in tears

"I need you Jean, you don't know how much I'd missed you, Jean"

She had that dream again, since she felt the strength of the Phoenix melting awain the dream had come to her every time she closes her eyes.

She sees him, standing right in front of her, screaming her name. Her tears where flow like water down her face, when he touches her, praying her to give in, to forgive him. Not knowing what he meant she looked directly in his face, her angst and fear running through his face unify with his own emotions when he couldn't restain his tears anymore.

They looked at each other again before they sinked into a deepen kiss. She shivered as his lips meet hers.

_how could she not had known it from before, she felt it ever since he was brought into her life_ she stumbled backwards as the felt the pressure in her head got beyond control.

"No, not now"she screamed desperatly, knowing what comes next, she didn't want to fight with the Phoenix again

"Please, let him be mine just for once" she heard her self saying as the flet a loudly giggling in her head. Seeing her self kissing the men in front of her roughly and forcing him to the ground.

"Jean" the Professor asked again.

He tried to get to her mentally since an hour but all he could was nothing more than random noise. The other x-men stood right behind his wheel-chair willing to take appropriate action if the Phoenix appaers and tries to attack the Proffesor. They had listened to him as he explained them the need to find out whether Jean could control the Pheonix or not. He had sensed her while the Phoenix attacked them and was sure that she was the reason they were still breathing and were not doomed to ashes. They believed him especially as Storm reminded them of the fact she didn't virulently injured them and that she had seen the green glimmer through the dark and blackened eyes.

"Jean" he said again "I know you can hear me, just try to open your eyes, we are here no-ones doing you any harm" he felt the enormous pressure of the emotions of his students and x-men when they saw Jean blinking and weakly opening her eyes.

"Professor.."she tried to speak as she began to cry lacerating the heart. He tried to calm her desperate sobs mentally and holding her all over shaking body tight.

"I'm sorry…God, I'm so sorry!", Jean cried and clung to him as if she was drowning.

"It's okay" the Professor said trying hard not to be moved to tears by himself as he heard the sobbings around him, knowing that Storm and Rougue had fallen to their knees crying bitterly.

Soon as he felt her emotional outburst smoothing down again, he tried to reach her again.

"Jean, do you remember what happened?" he asked her just seeing her shaking her head

"Okay , than try to sleep again. We can talk later"he said

"No" Jean suddenly screamed, making everyone look at her of all sudden.

"I don't want to sleep right now, please. Let me go to my room I will rest there if I can" she added quietly

"Sure, 'Ro and Scott will bring you, can you walk on your own?" he asked her, receiving a nod. He smiled relieved "Is good to have you back, Jean. We 've missed you" he said whipping away his own tears.

"I've missed you too, thank you ..i'm sorry…i.."

"Don't be, we all made mistakes"he said, well maybe far more worst than we all had imagined by now, he added to himself

Jean walked towards her room with Storm holding her hand tightly, seeing how Scott opened the door,she blushed lightly as she realised that he hadn't changed anything since her dead.

"I just couldn't…I was..it's just" Scott stuttered reducing his head.

"It's okay" Jean said qietly "Thank you, Scott" she said after a moment of silence.

He helped here to the bed, than turned around looking at Storm who was still standing in the doorframe looking sad and tired.

"Can you take care of her for a moment. I just go and make her some tea and something to eat?"

"Yes, if it's okay for you Jean" she answered, looking at her former best friend

"I would never reject your companion.'Ro" Jean said smilingly at her

Storm looked at her closly befor she stepped forward. her sadly looking green eyes, which were looking at her, seemed so real, Storm thought. She frowned and slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. After a while, Storm had laid herself down next to Jean while both lay their in silence starring at the ceiling.Knowing Jean would had killed her all at once if she had wanted to, Storm couldn't care less at the moment.

Suddently Jean took Storm's hand and leaned against her shoulder.

"Iam sorry for what I've done." Jeann menaged to say through her tears "I see it in your eyes the anger, the suffering… Iam sorry…I never meant to leave you alone with any grief and.."Jean paused not knowing what to say next " … put you in any by …myself"

Storm said nothing, she just placed a kiss on Jeans forehead and tried to soothe her tears.

After a few minutes she was able to speak for herself

" Jean?" Storm asked directly, receiving an tired look from the redhead women "what do you remember?I mean, …you didn't… recognized us out there, right?" Jean nodded as an answer

"so what do you remember, what's your last memory?"

Jean had to think for a while

" I know what happened at Akali Lake and that I came back…I kissed him and then everything turn black…" it was to hard for her even to think about what had happened, so she was not able to put it into the right words, she resigned as she felt overwhelmed be her new tears which we're running down her face. Storm took her in a strong embrace and she felt asleep before Scott entered the room, Storm silently stood up and left…

Jean was drownning in her sleep again. She felt the warm touch around her neck. He was back, she smilled. And kissed him…

She noticed how his tongue procure softly the entrance to her mouth, slowly breathing, she ignored her whrenching heartbeat, she tried not to loose this moment with a noise or even a simple move. Not allowing herself to take possession of this situation. She opened her mouth to accept his request. She instinctly knew what it would feel like, the warmth he held in himself and slowly passing through her like a sunbeam assuming her secretly. He held her tight, moaning sofly in her mouth as she started running her hand over his face. He was so handsome, she thought to herself, even she couldn't see because of the darkness, she imagined his beauty, the way his cheek carefully lift and lower under their kisses. Her hands slid down, touched his neck, his chest. Without desisting from her mouth, his hand had flit along her body, slightly touching her skin he felt her body rock as he started to discover her. He carefully enlaced his hands around her hip to press her gently at his own. She longed to touch his entired body, starting with his hands she kindly touched the back of his hands and she frightened

She felt how her power began to change, hearing him silently mumble as her body started to clench.

„No, please not again, please don't let this happen again" Jean pleaded desperatly.

But all she heard was this giggling and laughter again, as she saw him be thrown at the wall .

Aprubt she had awaken, after her eyes got use to the steady darkness of her room. She started at the opposite bedside. Scott laid there fallen deep asleep. She couldn't stand the fact she was looking at him, even being close to him. His feeling wrapped around her neck, take her breath with their austereness. They seem to overwhelming her completly.

When she slowly got up from the bed, her body trembled because of fear and dong-rough compared to her own world of feeling. quietly she opened the door, she stared along hall, until her eyes found her purpose, the last door on the edge of the hall. Slowly she groped the way along the wall unable to do a step without accompanying protection of the wall, she tried helplessly to calm her raving heartbeat softly, while her respiration tried to pause. When she reached the door after an ostensible eternity. With worries to loaded eyes she touched softly the door, only at the next moment before her back shrinked away from the door as if her hand had reached by mistake in glowing cinder. The feelings which came out of this closed space seemed to lie down like needles around her heart. Slowly they tore a deep hole from pitiless pains and grief. Agony enclosed her thoughts.

"No" she whispered barly audible. These were the same feelings which flowed through to her like in her dream the Phoenix seized the upper hand. Carefully she opened the door after some minutes with her tele-kinetic forces. She deeply inhaled when the hurt and angst raised from thee room above her and tried to kill her. First she did not realise in which the room entitled was. The bed was completely destroyed, everywhere scraps of bloody bedclothes and things lay around. The cupboards seemed to stop only by the will her purpose to fullfill. Sobbing she sank to ground as the grief and the death in this space tore her heart . The earth began to shake hardly noticeably, as fear to itself crept in her together, she felt like heat in her climbed up and she rose from the ground glowing.

When Scott awoken by the screams of Kitty and Rogue, he saw that Jean did not lie any more beside him in the bed. Immediately he jumped out of the bed and ran along the hall where the shouts came from. There he already seen Storm and Kurt stiffly standing before fear in the door frame. Incapable to move further . He stood close behind them, as he saw the Phoenix which float Kitty firmly in her clutch held about the ground , while Rogue desperately weeping therefore asked her to let go.

" What have you done? Where is he?" she Phoenix jelled in anger at the young women

"Please let us go, please" was all what Rogue was able to say

" Jean, it's me Scott…Jean look at me, please, Jean, look at me,..don't let it happen again,..JEAN"

Suddently Scott screamed in pain. "Who the hell you are talking to me?" the Phoenix shouted at him

"I am her finance, bitch, so let go off her" Scott shoot back

" You ar nothing," she directly adressed at Scott. In this second Kitty picked up courage to get loose of the grip of the Phoenix, unable to reach Rogue with her hand, she failed her just to disappear in the ground.

However the Phoenix wasn't interessted in her at all, her concentrated rage hit Scott as she raised him in the air.

"Iam the one she loves, the one, ..Jean plaese fight her,..let her go"he screamed as he heard the Phoenix laugh out loud.

" You are the one that nearly bored us to death, bub..nothing worth about you, you don't mean anything to us, just because you were once allowed to hold our hand, it means nothing to us. so piss of and stop hunting a dream that only means a nightmare to us..And you stop or I burn you to ashes" she jelled at the professor who was now standing in the doorframe, trying to contact Jean mentally. " I just ask you once more. WHERE IS HE?"

"He is gone, because of you" Rouge was screaming now covering her face with her hands to feel the tears running through her fingers" you wanted him to kill you, he couldn't handle it…He died at this moment…just to save you..you killed him..you"

" He is dead" the Phoenix asked barly audiable.

"No, not jet, so we guess,…maybe he is..because of you.Without you, just the knowledge of being the one that killed you, he couldn't breath anymore, couldn't sleep nor eat. He did everything to see his emotions to die back. The night before he left, he collapsed in the kitchen bleeding. And he didn't gave a damn about that. We didn't knew what he had done to let his healing factor fail and the wounds didn't wanted to heal. …than he was gone..you killed him" Rogue was unable to speak any further her tears were running desperatly and her body shoke because of her emotions. She looked at the Phoenix who was now standing in front of her, looking at her she saw how black tears left her eyes combounding with red ones to end up in a salty lake of Jean's tears.

**Okay that's it for the moment, I've allredy written more but Iam tipping on my beloved so called "crap-top" so it takes some time. And I don't even know if somebody likes it. well hope you enjoying it….anyway **


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